SINCE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT 5TH GRADE HORROR STORIES pt. 1
The Middleton Pumpkin Festival had no rival. Literally. There was the Topsfield Strawberry Festival and possibly a Peabody Cowhide Festival and kind sorta maybe a North Reading Bee Festival, but when it came to festivals featuring the yields of agriculture, Middleton blew up the spot. There was hot cider, games, hay rides and lots and lots of pie. Pie rocks right? But most important to a ten year old was the chance to hang with your friends after the sun went down. At the age where bed times were still cemented between 8 and 9, no one was exactly heading out for martini at local 5th grade speakeasy. This was it. This is what everyone would be talking about tomorrow. Where were you? Who were you with? Did you see the fight between the bikers and the skaters? But during the 10th year of my existence I wasn’t quite so excited to see anyone. I fact I was scared to. That year the recess talk had already been established. It was about me. It was the scene of pre teen drama. It might as well star that little kid from the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but he’s much too small. Let’s go with Elijah Wood circa the Ice Storm. That’s about right.
As Elijah walked up the sidewalk towards the Festival, all lined with glowing carved pumpkins that had Mom and little brother ohhhing and ahhhing, he could feel the stares the pointing. Even people inside their homes would turn off the Evening News just to get a look at him. That boy. Elijah was sure the word was out. He was wanted. He would pay. That’s when it began. Elijah saw Tim Johnson and Ben Maxfield bearing down on him. (Tim was one of the head bikers in the giant biker vs. boarders showdown. He would go one to be on the European Cyclocross circuit. Ben Maxfield would buy a skateboard in the up coming months and trade sides. I believe he is now drinking his own urine.) Now imagine young Elijah, as Tim approached, ducking into the woods so that he couldn’t be seen, but trying to be subtle enough so that his mother did not question why he was in the woods in the first place, because there was NO WAY he was going to tell his Mom what happened today. Why he would rather stick his head in one of the glowing pumpkins and set his hair ablaze like he was in a Pepsi commercial, but it was too late for that. He had been seen.
In flashes, Ben and Tim’s bikes became the F-16 Tomcats I had just seen in both Top Gun and my new favorite, Iron Eagle. They opened the bomb doors and dumped their payload of bombs on me.
“Cuuu Jooo” “Hey Dog.” “Woof.” “Bark.” “Hey Cujo.” “Hey Cerberus, what a matter? Someone get to close to the gates of Hades.”
Ok so I made the last one up. Now imagine the Elijah’s Mom, playing the part of school bus driver and future school secretary, continues the humiliation by cavorting with his taunters and telling them to slow down.
Now imagine poor Elijah closing his eyes and trying to bend time space like the Japanese kid from Heroes. Wanna get away? Ding. Too bad. Oh where were thou SouthWest airlines? Why couldn’t you exist in 1987 along with the internet and Visa computer glitches that would mistakenly send credit cards to kids? Elijah thought about hijacking the hay ride and making them take me back across town at least as far as the Pepperidge Farm Outlet. He could walk from there.
Once he was off his mother’s hip. He would try and hide among the stores and architectural features like columns and door jams. He would not go out into any open spaces that had light or people under 14. But at the height of his anxiety just when he thought he was safe, Elijah turns a corner and there he is: the one kid he couldn’t face. Standing miraculously by himself, where his own mother has left him alone. A mother who would surely kill Elijah. He was just standing there hiding the pain that Elijah caused him. Its physical manifestation was wrapped up behind gauze on his forehead, hiding God knows what horror underneath. I thought again of the glowing pumpkins and the insides I had scooped out.
Now this would be the big moment. The music would be Pixies if they existed at the time. So instead it would be Simply Red. Elijah would sigh. Is the one person he can’t face going to talk to him? And then you would see the credits.
The Middleton Pumpkin Festival had no rival. Literally. There was the Topsfield Strawberry Festival and possibly a Peabody Cowhide Festival and kind sorta maybe a North Reading Bee Festival, but when it came to festivals featuring the yields of agriculture, Middleton blew up the spot. There was hot cider, games, hay rides and lots and lots of pie. Pie rocks right? But most important to a ten year old was the chance to hang with your friends after the sun went down. At the age where bed times were still cemented between 8 and 9, no one was exactly heading out for martini at local 5th grade speakeasy. This was it. This is what everyone would be talking about tomorrow. Where were you? Who were you with? Did you see the fight between the bikers and the skaters? But during the 10th year of my existence I wasn’t quite so excited to see anyone. I fact I was scared to. That year the recess talk had already been established. It was about me. It was the scene of pre teen drama. It might as well star that little kid from the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but he’s much too small. Let’s go with Elijah Wood circa the Ice Storm. That’s about right.
As Elijah walked up the sidewalk towards the Festival, all lined with glowing carved pumpkins that had Mom and little brother ohhhing and ahhhing, he could feel the stares the pointing. Even people inside their homes would turn off the Evening News just to get a look at him. That boy. Elijah was sure the word was out. He was wanted. He would pay. That’s when it began. Elijah saw Tim Johnson and Ben Maxfield bearing down on him. (Tim was one of the head bikers in the giant biker vs. boarders showdown. He would go one to be on the European Cyclocross circuit. Ben Maxfield would buy a skateboard in the up coming months and trade sides. I believe he is now drinking his own urine.) Now imagine young Elijah, as Tim approached, ducking into the woods so that he couldn’t be seen, but trying to be subtle enough so that his mother did not question why he was in the woods in the first place, because there was NO WAY he was going to tell his Mom what happened today. Why he would rather stick his head in one of the glowing pumpkins and set his hair ablaze like he was in a Pepsi commercial, but it was too late for that. He had been seen.
In flashes, Ben and Tim’s bikes became the F-16 Tomcats I had just seen in both Top Gun and my new favorite, Iron Eagle. They opened the bomb doors and dumped their payload of bombs on me.
“Cuuu Jooo” “Hey Dog.” “Woof.” “Bark.” “Hey Cujo.” “Hey Cerberus, what a matter? Someone get to close to the gates of Hades.”
Ok so I made the last one up. Now imagine the Elijah’s Mom, playing the part of school bus driver and future school secretary, continues the humiliation by cavorting with his taunters and telling them to slow down.
Now imagine poor Elijah closing his eyes and trying to bend time space like the Japanese kid from Heroes. Wanna get away? Ding. Too bad. Oh where were thou SouthWest airlines? Why couldn’t you exist in 1987 along with the internet and Visa computer glitches that would mistakenly send credit cards to kids? Elijah thought about hijacking the hay ride and making them take me back across town at least as far as the Pepperidge Farm Outlet. He could walk from there.
Once he was off his mother’s hip. He would try and hide among the stores and architectural features like columns and door jams. He would not go out into any open spaces that had light or people under 14. But at the height of his anxiety just when he thought he was safe, Elijah turns a corner and there he is: the one kid he couldn’t face. Standing miraculously by himself, where his own mother has left him alone. A mother who would surely kill Elijah. He was just standing there hiding the pain that Elijah caused him. Its physical manifestation was wrapped up behind gauze on his forehead, hiding God knows what horror underneath. I thought again of the glowing pumpkins and the insides I had scooped out.
Now this would be the big moment. The music would be Pixies if they existed at the time. So instead it would be Simply Red. Elijah would sigh. Is the one person he can’t face going to talk to him? And then you would see the credits.
posted by J. Bob. at 8:47 AM
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