I hate David Eckstein.

Everything about him pisses me off, which is odd considering he's not really an offensive person. He's an inspiring story I suppose. Bust your ass hard enough you'll be rewarded even if you're one of the least talented people in your profession. Baseball has brought us complete douche whistles like Barry Bonds, Albert Belle, and 12-time "Most Racist American Award" winner Ty Cobb, yet this shortstop with the vanilla personality makes me so goddamned angry. Kind of funny I guess. Maybe pathetic is the better word.

The day after his Game 4 performance, I spent most of my day at work stewing over how much I hated him. I was watching Sportscenter on the treadmill that morning listening to the baseball analysts thoroughly clean his penis. Chris Berman even went so far as to say he willed the game winning double out of Craig Monroe's glove. I'm not sure exactly how Berman thinks he did that, since I didn't see Christopher Lloyd or any orphaned jackasses having seizures at the game. I think for me it's gotten to the point where I'll hate any athlete that gets overly praised to the point of redundancy (See: Jeter, Derek) just because I'm so sick of hearing how fucking great he/she is. Maybe it's time to accept the reality that I'm a hater. So be it.

At least with a guy like Jeter you can hate him for valid reasons. I've lived near Boston all my life and love the Red Sox. He owns New York and plays for the Yankees. He's a guy with genuine talent, but with an outrageous sense of entitlement and a smugness that you can actually see hanging in the air. He's also constantly lauded for his so-called "intangibles" and the amazing ability to make routine plays seem extremely difficult (i.e. the dive into the stands at Fenway. That shit won him a gold glove for fuck's sake). This usually results in announcers saying the mostly patently retarded things about him and his personality to the point that his whole persona is blown up to these mythic proportions. Also, he's solely responsible for ruining Mariah Carey and he's gorgeous in the way that only mixed race men can be. See? He's pretty easy to hate.

Eckstein is a different story. On the whole he's kind of bland. He's got terrible throwing mechanics, limited range at short, little power, his OBP is unremarkable and he's not particularly quick. Now he plays in the inferior National League where numbers like he puts up gets you in the leadoff spot. When he was in the AL, (outside of his decent 2002 year) he's should have been a number 8 hitter. I drafted him in my fantasy baseball league in 2003 and dropped him for Orlando Cabrera. Sound familiar? Unlike guys like Jeter, he's a huge dork. People probably mistake him for one of Jim Edmonds' kids on "Bring Your Son to Work Day". Tigers manager Jim Leyland said he looked like a "cute, little kid". He got carded at the World Series celebration because someone thought he was a bat boy. I'm not kidding, look at this photo:

Seriously, he's 31 years old and he had an Alice in Wonderland themed wedding at Disney World. What the fuck is that? Instead of being shunned for his many flaws, he (like Jeter) gets constantly talked up like he's the soul of baseball. Guys are constantly praising his grit and his motor and all kinds of other metaphors to make up for his lack of talent. I'm too lazy to look it up but I'm sure some manager has said "Give me 9 David Ecksteins and we'll win a Championship" at least once. Guess what? You're a liar and have no business managing even the shittiest of Babe Ruth teams. You know what 9 Ecksteins in the lineup gets you? A phone call from the last living Cleveland Spider to let you know how god awful your team is.

I don't care that he makes people believe they too can make the Major Leagues if they want it enough. It's the Major Leagues, not a pick-up softball league. These guys are the best of the best and I want to be jealous of them always. So cut the shit Eckstein (and by extension, baseball announcers talking around his cock). I don't like scrubs like you winning two World Series and a MVP award based on your plucky amount of gritty gumption, while I sit at home feeling bad about my complete lack of motivation. Oh and put a bend in your hat for chrissakes. You look ridiculous.

I guess I should amend my opening sentence. I hate David Eckstein for no good reason.