FUN WITH THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR
I love Antiques Roadshow. It’s the American Dream[1] filmed in a very non descript convention center. Where else can your Grandmother’s blanket that you’ve been using as a dog bed and smells of urine turn out to be worth more then you make in three years. At the height of my AR love, I was visibly giddy when one of the Keno brothers[2] became a regular at my restaurant. Just for reference, the only other times I was visibly giddy for a celebrity I was waiting on was Tina Fey (who 10 times better looking in person for some reason) and when I thought I was going to wait on Bill Murray. Pete Schourek[3] and Frank Castillo: not so much.
Anyway I was watching an Antiques Roadshow out of Newport, RI. During the show they take these contractually obligated off site field trips to take in some of the local color. Mark Wahlberg[4] and some historian were on an old wooden war ship and about to banter about how much three cords of ancient rope would fetch when the camera shot right down the barrel of the deck cannon next to it. Instead of peering into blackness there was a plug like a pop gun. I thought to myself what reason do they have to plug the cannons up?
I remember this question popping up during the obligatory Massachusetts school field trip to the U.S.S. Constitution. Even back then it seemed a lil over precautious. I mean really what are the scared of? Who besides Five Civil War reenactors and twenty seven Race War militiamen really have any idea how to fire these things? These would have to be some really ambitious vandals, right?
Well, actually, not if you have a cable modem. What you really need is three main parts. Fuses, black powder and, of course, cannonballs. Fuses are not hard to come by. If you are going for authenticity with your vandalism and want the Mission: Impossible type, there are several sites to accommodate you. My favorite is cannon-mania.com which can get them in several different colors and styles.
Black powder, developed in the 9th century and one of the five great Chinese inventions[5], is a little harder to come by especially in the large quantities[6] that your gonna need to fire cannonballs into a cold dark coastal harbor. But the good news is that you can make some at home! All you need is sulfur, carbon and potassium nitrate (or saltpeter[7]) and guess what? You can by all of that on the internet too. At this same site, I also found that I could also buy and entire jar of pure caffeine (labeled for experimental purposes only). I’d never have to sleep again. Which is great during prepping for cannon shooting?
Of course, once you have your ingredients you need a ball mill to grind it down properly in a ¾ PN/ 3/20 charcoal and 1/10 sulfur ratio and Presto!
OK so we have fuses. Check. Black powder. Check. Next up cannonballs.
Don’t be fooled by the pyramids of cannonballs you will find on ship. These are for show and are welded together. Still it’s no problem. One route is to go vintage. It may cost you upwards of $200 bucks for one ball and you won’t find anything from the Revolutionary War but you can get several wonderful Civil War varieties. There are even munitions shows coming to your area where you can get a more immediate selection. There is a problem of them actually fitting them in your cannon like I said; if you are sneaking on to a Revolutionary ship with Civil War balls you may just be fucked. So the cheaper and more in touch with your prank route are smelting your own.
Some of my old art school sculpture colleagues have assured me that they have seen far worse and more dangerous things come out of the furnace at school but that would mean you would have to waste your money going to art school[8]. The best answer is to go industrial and get a special order. Tom at Mitsui Mining and Smelting right here in Manhattan has this to say, “I’m sure we could make cannonballs, but I don’t really see the point. Can I ask how many you would need and what the purpose for this would be?” So you see it’s not impossible and less work for sure. I hope they don’t have caller ID.
Practice can be had for a mere $100 again at cannon-mania.com. There you can get yourself a miniature Old Ironsides deck gun kit that supposedly really fires! Ooooooooooo.
You have the materials, practices on your back porch and we shall assume you’ve read all the literature that you can find so you won’t blow your face off. We are talking 250 years old pieces of plied pig iron here. Even armed with all of this, if I were a Park Ranger at Old Ironsides, I would still hang a sign across the bow that says “Go For It Pussies.”
Simone is not a Park Ranger but works at Public Affairs for the U.S.S. Constitution. When I asked her if they considered people running up on to the Constitution at night and firing off a couple of “joy rounds” her tone was not one of someone who liked kidding around about cannons with some dipshit blog asshole about the subject.
“Sir this a military facility and it is very secure there is no way such an occurrence would take place.” That was officially in my face. I was left sulking and dragging my fifty pound bad of potassium nitrate behind me.
Oh yeah. Remember the plugs? The ones in the cannon. You know the question that started this great intellectual journey. They are made of redwood. Besides that, the answer to why they existed turned out to be so boring that I won’t even share it, suffice to say it was a subject the Simone did not mind discussing.[9] And I am totally canceling my order for the ball mill.
[1] As conceived and brought to us by the British.
[2] The Kenos are twin blond furniture appraisers with one of those creepy telepathic abilities to finish each others sentences. They turned their creepy into their own AR spin off Find! where they actually go to people’s house and dig through their stuff. According to PBS.org, they’ve been “appraising” since they were 12. It’s there actual fucking dream job. I get chills thinking about it.
[3] I can’t believe I spelled that right first time out.
[4] Not big dick MW but Paradise Island MW.
[5] Another being Asian porn.
[6] Gee thanks 9/11
[7] The ownership of which once cause a war in Bolivia and it turns out no one cared.
[8] Tell your dead beat kids that do studying restaurant management at the same time. Uh Oh Bitter alert!
[9] To keep out seawater. Fucking rust proofing.
Anyway I was watching an Antiques Roadshow out of Newport, RI. During the show they take these contractually obligated off site field trips to take in some of the local color. Mark Wahlberg[4] and some historian were on an old wooden war ship and about to banter about how much three cords of ancient rope would fetch when the camera shot right down the barrel of the deck cannon next to it. Instead of peering into blackness there was a plug like a pop gun. I thought to myself what reason do they have to plug the cannons up?
I remember this question popping up during the obligatory Massachusetts school field trip to the U.S.S. Constitution. Even back then it seemed a lil over precautious. I mean really what are the scared of? Who besides Five Civil War reenactors and twenty seven Race War militiamen really have any idea how to fire these things? These would have to be some really ambitious vandals, right?
Well, actually, not if you have a cable modem. What you really need is three main parts. Fuses, black powder and, of course, cannonballs. Fuses are not hard to come by. If you are going for authenticity with your vandalism and want the Mission: Impossible type, there are several sites to accommodate you. My favorite is cannon-mania.com which can get them in several different colors and styles.
Black powder, developed in the 9th century and one of the five great Chinese inventions[5], is a little harder to come by especially in the large quantities[6] that your gonna need to fire cannonballs into a cold dark coastal harbor. But the good news is that you can make some at home! All you need is sulfur, carbon and potassium nitrate (or saltpeter[7]) and guess what? You can by all of that on the internet too. At this same site, I also found that I could also buy and entire jar of pure caffeine (labeled for experimental purposes only). I’d never have to sleep again. Which is great during prepping for cannon shooting?
Of course, once you have your ingredients you need a ball mill to grind it down properly in a ¾ PN/ 3/20 charcoal and 1/10 sulfur ratio and Presto!
OK so we have fuses. Check. Black powder. Check. Next up cannonballs.
Don’t be fooled by the pyramids of cannonballs you will find on ship. These are for show and are welded together. Still it’s no problem. One route is to go vintage. It may cost you upwards of $200 bucks for one ball and you won’t find anything from the Revolutionary War but you can get several wonderful Civil War varieties. There are even munitions shows coming to your area where you can get a more immediate selection. There is a problem of them actually fitting them in your cannon like I said; if you are sneaking on to a Revolutionary ship with Civil War balls you may just be fucked. So the cheaper and more in touch with your prank route are smelting your own.
Some of my old art school sculpture colleagues have assured me that they have seen far worse and more dangerous things come out of the furnace at school but that would mean you would have to waste your money going to art school[8]. The best answer is to go industrial and get a special order. Tom at Mitsui Mining and Smelting right here in Manhattan has this to say, “I’m sure we could make cannonballs, but I don’t really see the point. Can I ask how many you would need and what the purpose for this would be?” So you see it’s not impossible and less work for sure. I hope they don’t have caller ID.
Practice can be had for a mere $100 again at cannon-mania.com. There you can get yourself a miniature Old Ironsides deck gun kit that supposedly really fires! Ooooooooooo.
You have the materials, practices on your back porch and we shall assume you’ve read all the literature that you can find so you won’t blow your face off. We are talking 250 years old pieces of plied pig iron here. Even armed with all of this, if I were a Park Ranger at Old Ironsides, I would still hang a sign across the bow that says “Go For It Pussies.”
Simone is not a Park Ranger but works at Public Affairs for the U.S.S. Constitution. When I asked her if they considered people running up on to the Constitution at night and firing off a couple of “joy rounds” her tone was not one of someone who liked kidding around about cannons with some dipshit blog asshole about the subject.
“Sir this a military facility and it is very secure there is no way such an occurrence would take place.” That was officially in my face. I was left sulking and dragging my fifty pound bad of potassium nitrate behind me.
Oh yeah. Remember the plugs? The ones in the cannon. You know the question that started this great intellectual journey. They are made of redwood. Besides that, the answer to why they existed turned out to be so boring that I won’t even share it, suffice to say it was a subject the Simone did not mind discussing.[9] And I am totally canceling my order for the ball mill.
[1] As conceived and brought to us by the British.
[2] The Kenos are twin blond furniture appraisers with one of those creepy telepathic abilities to finish each others sentences. They turned their creepy into their own AR spin off Find! where they actually go to people’s house and dig through their stuff. According to PBS.org, they’ve been “appraising” since they were 12. It’s there actual fucking dream job. I get chills thinking about it.
[3] I can’t believe I spelled that right first time out.
[4] Not big dick MW but Paradise Island MW.
[5] Another being Asian porn.
[6] Gee thanks 9/11
[7] The ownership of which once cause a war in Bolivia and it turns out no one cared.
[8] Tell your dead beat kids that do studying restaurant management at the same time. Uh Oh Bitter alert!
[9] To keep out seawater. Fucking rust proofing.
posted by J. Bob. at 10:49 AM
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