Brett Ratner’s Rules For Netflix
By Brett Ratner

Back in the late 90’s I had a great idea. An idea to blow the top off the internet video rental world. That idea was Netflix and I am sure you are very thankful. I don’t own it anymore, but I sold it and made a a lot more money on the deal then you will ever see. It’s a lot. But anyway you’re welcome. Although it doesn’t seem like you are. I was playing pool in Soho which is in New York City with Charlie Sheen and talking about how unfortunate it is that there are still so many who are either new to the service or just have their head clearly up their asses when it comes to Netflix. It’s not like directing a 100 million dollar movie. That’s hard. Netflix is easy peasy. So I decided to come up some ground rules to help you get your head around what’s going on. Actually I let my friend, write them and then I amended them. They are not numbered because life shouldn’t be that easy.

A) Your Queue. For the uneducated military folk, it’s pronounced “Q," like the letter. You are so dumb.

Your Queue should be no less then 250 titles long or you will be thought of as unambitious and people will question your character. My mother is a society woman, and is constantly checking her “Friends” to make sure they have the right movies on there. Just the other day she said, “Did you see Nicole Kidman’s queue? He has only 50 titles on it! Did Keith Urban get out of rehab and start working at a gas station?” And my Mom is always right.

B) Since your plan is what I assume to be the pedestrian 3 at a time plan, (I have the 4 at a time plan, and I think anything else is a waste of money and if you didn’t already know that then I imagine must also have trouble controlling the function of your sphincters like you do your life choices) it is important to keep the ratio of prestige or foreign films to no more then one a month. I go as far sometimes as one every six monthes.

No matter how badly you tell yourself that you want to watch it and that you only go by the best of list in Film Comment (which I have been reviewed in several times) or who’s nominated for the Oscar (Which is fixed. Did you know that? I bet you didn’t.), if you don’t have a Chris Tucker or Jackie Chan movie buffer, you’ll never get through anything and waste your money. That prestige movie by the likes of Ridley Scott or something will be sitting there rotting in its red envelope forever.

Netflix is just as much for watching bad movies the made lots of money and you may have seen already as it is those little film school foreign films that no one really watches and make no money.

C) On the weekends, it is equally important to keep as many TV shows in your possession as possible. Unless you are Communist, then you do not get mail on Sunday. And we do not ship on Saturday or Sunday. TV show discs are typically longer then movie discs (unless you are a special features person (ride the short bus wink wink) so you get more out of them over the weekend. So get your season 4 disc two of Mad About You in the slot by Thursday so you can have disc 3 for the weekend. Paul Reiser will be giving your funny bone a deep tissue massage in no time. I’m not kidding. That show was like super underrated. I’ve met Helen Hunt several times and the guy who played Paul Reiser’s brother, that guy can drink man. Wow.

D) If you have Netflix you can cancel HBO. There’s no point unless you owe someone there a favor. (It’s why I had Luck Louie axed.)

E) If you have Netflix then you have no need for more then 3 close friends. Everything else is a distraction. Unless of course they are your Netflix friends. You should collect them as unconsciously as you do any of the inferior MySpace or Friendster bullshit sites that mean nothing except to cyber stalkers and porn addicts. That reminds me.

F) While there are Unrated and NC 17 movies on Netflix (not so with Blockbuster online), there is no porn. I think. I’ll look again.

G) You should review as many movies as possible. It’s only polite to let others know what you think. If you have seen it, it is important to make other aware of your tastes. Conversely if it is a movie by a friend of yours like Ashton Kutcher or Wilmer Valderamma and you have not seen it, feel free to label it with one star just to kid around with them and then tell them at a party what you did and then say, “You should see the funny ‘Two Cents Review’ I wrote about it, it will really crack you up.” I give all of Hugh Jackman’s movies one star as an assumption of how bad it would be if you were in a coma and it came on before and your eyes started to bleed because of the toxic shit level of the movie. He really is a tool, I can’t stress that enough. Do you know he played a fag on Broadway? Makes you think.

H) If you are gonna watch it more then once, buy it shit brick. I have like 10,000 DVDs. I don’t even really need Netflix, but whatever, I made it up. So you know.

I) Be careful what you wish for you just may get it. Once I put Private Benjamin on my Queue when I was hammered after a night of drinking with my ex Serena Williams (who I had a threesome with, with her sister what’s her face. True Story. But it was like a one time thing and they'll totally deny it if you ask them about it, because their Dad would be so pissed, but it happened.) and like it actually showed up in my mailbox like a month later, and I never watched it and then I lost it. And my maid said she never found it but I think she’s lying and stole it and sold it to her brother. He’s always saying, “Very Interesting but stooopid,” like that guy from Laugh- In, so I bet he has a thing for Goldie Hawn. I was totally Kurt Russell’s side by the way. Wait, that was Dennis Quaid/Meg Ryan. Whoops. Whatever. Bros before Ho’s man. BTW I don’t hate all Mexicans just the stupid ones I seem to find as maids.

J) So if you lose a DVD just lie to Netflix and click the “It’s in the mail and you didn’t get it” button. And if you break one you can just say that the mailman broke it. I once put mine in my back pocket after going to mailbox and then I had to go to meeting about doing the sequel (or I should say prequel) to Memento. And I was sitting on the damn thing like all day and I totally forgot. So I blamed the mailman. No questions asked. Suckers.

K) I looked again no porn, but I got a blowjob during Basic Instinct 2 from some a certain former Mouseketeer. I won’t say who. Not Britney or Xtina, but you know. You will totally get it in a sec. It’s not Justin either. I’m not playing on that team. What am I a scientologist? BTW Travolta, not straight at all.

L) Netflix Top 100 are mostly must sees and I’m not just saying that cause XMen3 was number one for like 11 days but well you know. Have you seen the Lake House? I wish I had done that. I know Keanu pretty well.

M) The correct way to verbalize it is as follows. Let’s say I’m at the Coffee Bean with my pal Jack Black.

Me: Hey Jack, so when are we gonna get together to talk about our new project together?

JB: Totally soon dude.

Me: Did you see X Men 3 yet?

JB: No I was out of the country when it came out, sorry man. But I’m totally gonna Flix it.

Me: I heard Peter Dinkledge has it on his queue, or at least that’s what my Mom says.

See “Flix it” sounds really cool right. And Jack Black has Netflix too. Makes it even cooler right.

N) Actually never mind this whole thing and totally disregard rule F, it was a stupid thing to mention anyway. I just signed a really cool deal with Blockbuster over a game of pool with the owner to exclusively offer my movies on Blockbuster Online. So take everything I just said and instead of Netflix just say Blockbuster Online. Same thing it’s just better and it will make you sooo much happier. I promise. Awesome.