2007!?

So yeah, 2007. Pretty wild, right? This is the year man, I'm telling you. Things are going to be different. No seriously, I'm turning this shit around for real. Yeah, I know I've said this type of stuff before. What? No man, I meant it when I said I was going to get shit straightened out before, but complications came up you know? Oh man, that's so unfair. Whatever man, you're a fucking hater. Here's my 11 point plan for 2007 (Don't worry there's going to be pleeeeeeeeenty of filler in this one):

Step 1: Figure out what I want to do with my life.

Year 2012
"Okay, Michael, that was lovely. Next up we have Neko. What does your dad do?"
"My dad's a secretary. He makes me call him an 'Executive Assistant' at home because he says it's more 'official' but I really know it's just a fancy name for secretary."

How depressing is that? "Hey Neko, your dad answers my dad's phone! I bet he gives my dad head while he's on conference calls too!" Ugh. No fucking way, dudes. This has to change. I need to get cracking on a career that my kid can respect. Either that or I need to create an elaborate web of lies about my profession and keep it going until she turns 21 and moves out. Considering that the latter seems more plausable, be sure to agree with her when she tells you that her dad is Val Kilmer.

Step 2: Figure out how to profit from the retarded things my brain comes up with.

Last night the phrase "mutual semen" popped into my head. I'm not sure exactly what it means, but I bet it has a use that can be exploited. I'm thinking the most likely application would be within the gay community. Maybe it's something that happens when two gay men get married? Either that or it's the most digusting "Take a Penny, Leave a Penny" dish you've ever seen. Someone's got to be interested in buying this phrase from me and expanding on it. God I hope so, because I need money. Like fast. (See Step 3.)

Step 3: Pay down some of my debt.

Seriously, mutual semen? Anybody? I got like $3,000 on my credit card that I need to pay off a.s.a.p because I got this trip I want to take and we could use a new bed. Thanks.

Step 4: Cultivate a better moustache.

Right now my moustache is not on par with my beard. It's not terrible per se, but it's lacking. It's patchy and blond on the sides, which makes for a sweet faux-Hitler look when it gets too long. This would be a fine look if I was going to Charlie Chaplin convention and I wanted to suffocate under the weight of 4 tons of angrily tossed dreidels. While I had a grand time making them out of clay, I really don't want my cause of death to be those shitty tops. Basically my moustache better man the fuck up. I'm tired of it playing the Victor Prinzim to my beard's J.J. McClure. How do you improve your moustache though? I'm going to try thinking really hard about it while drinking whiskey, but I'm open to (better) suggestions.

Step 5: Try and write more.

Gerald Ford also promised to try, like really, really, super hard to come back to life too. Writing more would probably help me feel more useful and productive even though I'm not particularly good at it. Still, Spud Webb got by on less, so fingers crossed! Feel free to pop by my house this weekend while I'm drinking and playing video games to point out all the time I'm wasting. Then sit down, have a beer and shut the fuck up, you hypocrite.

Step 6: Learn how to properly use commas.

Pretty sure there are way too many in Step 5.

Step 7: Get sexually harrassed.

Oddly enough, this has nothing to do with trying to achieve Step 3. I just want to feel pretty. I don't wear light blue cashmere socks to work because I like them or because they were on sale (even though they were). I wear them because I want undressing by eyeballs; man, woman, immigrant or otherwise. Don't worry, prompt eyeball redressing would follow as I'm not what one would call "the good naked".

Step 8: Make it through another year without seeing the movie Grease.

This is most likely the lock of the list. I have never and will never* see this movie. I know I won't like it. What? There are tits and ass and sex and all sorts of cool shit in this movie? I still won't watch it. Why? Because you're lying, asshole. If there was anything remotely enjoyable about this movie, I would have seen it already. Please note that this Step applies to the movie Ghost as well.

Step 9: Convince my mom that having a few beers does not automatically make you a lock for alcoholism.

My mom's got a distorted view of drinking alcohol. From what I gather, she assumes that once you complete your first beer, you've just hit the countdown to degeneration. She actually said recently that she was concerned that my brother and I are going to become drunks. Nevermind that her retarded views on booze make my father hide his Coronas at my house like a 17-year-old. Apparently it's easier than hiding them in the woods by the Little League field. Hiding your drinking is healthy. Yeah. Totally. Naturally the only way to handle this is to drink ONLY when she was around and in high doses. I think I'm going to down a fifth of whiskey and go fist fight my parent's trash cans tonight. That will prove my point perfectly!!

Step 10: Stop people from saying "I just threw up in my mouth a little."

Enough. It was funny 2 years ago (maybe) but it's just not anymore. We get it, one ball hanging out of my jeans is gross. Don't resort to cliched, hacky quotes to express your disgust. It's gotten to the point where people use on shit that's not even gross. "Oh my god! That guy wearing last year's Gucci just hit on me! Ummm, no! I totally just puked in my mouth a little!" Seriously, I once saw a homeless man with his pants around his ankles taking a shit on a wall. That's a prime moment for puking in your mouth, yet all I did was finish my boston creme donut with a smile. Just stop it. You're pissing me off.

Step 11: Fix my life in less steps next year.

Seriously.

*obviously if certain circumstances came up, I'd watch this movie. Like if someone offered me money or if someone I cared about was dying and it was their last request or something. None of these will probably happen so I think we're in the clear. By the way, if any of my friends are writing this into their will right now just to spite me, fuck you. I'll watch it, but let it be known that I'm going to dig up your grave and reenact the entire movie for your surviving family with your skeleton.